Toxic parents: how to get rid of separation anxiety?

You were not loved in childhood, they did not respect? You have experienced Abuez or violence? You probably have toxic parents. The psychological and physical compartment from them is the process of difficult. About how to do this correctly, we will tell in a new cycle of articles along with an expert psychoanalyst.

It is customary to call parents who behave inappropriately, manipulating, having a chemical dependence, gross and aggressive, sexually preoccupied (secretly or clearly) and mentally unhealthy.

Such parents carry out obvious and hidden mental and physical violence against their children, and therefore sooner or later children ask the question of separation from them to save their psyche and their future.

Often, people whose childhood was like, experience difficulties with separation from parents-strongholds and, even clearly understanding the need for separation, cannot decide on it. The interference of the department often becomes a separation anxiety, which is an alloy of severe feelings: guilt, fear, shame, sensations of its “badness”.

Separate anxiety at separation from the mother goes into childhood and unconsciously felt by us as the loss of the most important person (the language of psychotherapy – “supporting object”), even if the mother mocked us.

We are so arranged: we are associated with our mother prenatal and postnatal periods of development, she is the first “not me”-an object in our psyche, the first attempts to build relationships are made with her, our first need for love for love was directed to her.


In the process of growing up, each person passes through the resolution of an internal conflict: a separation from parents needs everyone, this is a necessary condition for the formation of an independent and mature personality, but this extremely important separation causes a strong anxiety.

The psyche is a system that is in dynamic balance. The alarm of the department (separation), radically violating the current position, triggers in the mental mechanism retaliatory protective processes to block frightening changes.

Severe experiences are accompanied by advance forward and abandoning it. As a result, there is a desire to change anything. But it, unfortunately or fortunately, is not feasible: over the years, the body changes and, accordingly, changes the psyche that controls the bodily functioning. Changes to us are “spelled out” by our very nature.

Separation and in the usual case is accompanied by severe anxiety, but in the case of toxic parents it proceeds even more complicated. What to do to cope with severe feelings during separation? How to act so that the psyche does not have to run “emergency” protective mechanisms?

To do this, you need to see the composition of separation anxiety and work out the feelings that make it up.

False sense of duty

Toxic parents often convince the children that, having matured, they should take care of them all their lives, indulge their weaknesses, because the mother and father are old and need complete material support for their needs and whims.

They often require emotional support – one that the baby needs, but not an adult: to come to them every day, often call, inform about everything, even about intimate life, provide parents with psychological comfort. In other words, roles are changing: parents and children change places.

Farming fantasies: Without me, the parent will die or will go crazy with loneliness;The parent will constantly remind of himself;tormented by conscience, I can not live separately and fully.

Solution: look at the situation from the side to separate the real needs of parents from imposed whims. Often toxic parents want to seem sick and weak. Their goal is to get the care and resources of children, their strength, money, attention.

False shame for their attractiveness, talents, tastes, sexuality

A person can feel shame for actions that are not approved by parents: for the choice of

a “wrong” profession, dress for a manner, for a vacation, for dyeing hair and so on.

The phrases of toxic parents who provoke these experiences: “The fool is painted, as you are not ashamed not to obey your own father/mother?”,” Walking with the guys, disgrace the whole family!”,” You are stupid, this work is not for you!”.

Farming fantasies: “I am funny”, “I won’t succeed”, “Friends will turn away from me if they find out what I really am”, “Any pleasure is harmful to my parents” and so on. Attempts by parents to devalue, take away self -confidence strengthen these fantasies and prevent the normal process of growing up and separation from parents.

Solution: see the manipulation mechanism launched in the past – where similar situations occurred in childhood, and common sense was replaced by false attitudes. Survive the situation again, not with a vulnerable and filled with emotions of the child’s position, but from the position of an adult observing the situation from the side.

This new experience of living will gradually give our psyche and our body the opportunity to get out of the manipulative trap. If in childhood we could not notice substitutions and manipulations, now we can see them, survive from the perspective of an adult and refuse to follow their logic.

False sensation of one’s own badness

It is a feeling that a person is not worthy of love, a good relationship, a good salary and career, the rights to his opinion among colleagues and so on in this spirit.

Farming fantasies: “I will speak at the meeting, and colleagues will see how funny I am”;“It is better not to express their ideas to the boss, they will fire me”;”Do not get acquainted with a man/woman, I do not interest him/her”.

Solution: You can see how parents imposed this feeling through humiliation and depreciation. Fix the moment of “turning on” a sense of self-poorness within myself: “That’s when I was a normal child, but the situations in which because of my parents I began to feel bad”.

A return to early situations allows you to see yourself from the perspective of an adult watching what is happening from the outside, and give yourself the opportunity to survive the situation again and adequately.

The study of these and other feelings that make up the separation anxiety will help reduce the overall level of anxiety. As a result, the psyche will free up the energy that is now being spent on fighting with itself.

This energy can be directed to the department from parents and improving the quality of their life.

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